1. Suppose the City has $20 million dollars available to build new water and sewer lines. Your choices are to use that money to build new water lines to the suburbs, to build water and sewer mains to undeveloped parts of Tulsa that have been in the city limits for 40 years and still lack city utilities (making it more affordable for developers to build new subdivisions), or to increase capacity and replace lines in parts of Tulsa where the old lines are inadequate. How would you allocate the money among these priorities? Explain your choice.
I don't appreciate the leading nature of this question which put my competitors, with multi-thousand dollar campaign budgets raised by developers more interested in another nearby city besides Tulsa, at a disadvantage. I would not want the same treatment of me if some neighborhood Mafia group disagrees with me, if I am the one with daddy warbucks.
I am running for Mayor of Tulsa to be the best possible Mayor of Tulsa, not the best Mayor of Tulsa Bixby has ever had. I believe there is a system of prioritizing capital improvements. As the Chief Executive Pimp, the Mayor sets the tone on the prioritization process. I would create the expectation that old lines be replaced first. The constant tug-of-war between taking care of legacy infrastructure versus building new lines is directly related to the battle between urban sprawl versus in-fill redevelopment.
Despite the Greater Tulsa Area Realtor misconception of me and excluding me, Medlock and others from their recent dog and pony show, I actually want to improvise a way to make in-fill redevelopment profitable for developers while enhancing the asethetic qualities and the property values of existing neighborhoods. If there is a desperate need for cooperation, this is where the rubber meets the road. We are all in the same boat. Why fight, drive tax dollars away, and everyone loses? As Mayor, I will appoint Randi Miller, Miss Congeniality, to get everyone to cooperate. If all else fails, I will make good use of my favorite flame-tempered, Wade Boggs Louisville slugger to pummel everyone involved into a bloody, half-eaten pulp, including Mrs. Miller.
2. By a 5-4 vote the U. S. Supreme Court said it's constitutional for a city to condemn private property in order to let some other private entity have it for their own use. The Oklahoma legislature plans to limit this use of eminent domain, and the Tulsa City Council has approved a one-year moratorium on this type of condemnation. What limits should be placed on the government's eminent domain powers? Under what circumstances is the use of eminent domain abusive?In my mixed up world, eminent domain is abusive when it is used as a retaliatory measure by powerful business interests against the individual property owner, through shady backroom deals. One of the reasons why I have gone out of my way to create entertaining havoc on the streets of Tulsa, at some cost to my sanity and respectability, is I want to get citizens to pay attention to the political process. To hold citizens' attention in the info-overload world of MTV, American Idol, and Barry Friedman, the democratic political process should be just as entertaining as Paris Hilton losing her butt-ugly dog. The primary elections should be just as compelling as the first round auditions of American Idol.
Abusive eminent domain occurs when no one is watching. As Mayor, I will hire Barry Freidman as press secretary to produce a reality TV show, American Mayor. The camera will be turned on whenever I conduct the public's business. American Mayor will air on TGOV and pitched to selected cable outlets such as Comedy Central, Bravo, and C-Span. True to Mr. Friedman's nature, he has previously demanded a signed contract for 7-figures, his and hers private jets, and a penthouse suite. Mr. Friedman, make dumb-ass demands like that again, and you won't work in this town again for anything more than extra Cheapo Depo cheese whiz.
3. Thinking of the current members of the City Council, whose work as a member of the Council do you most admire, and why?I admire no one except the dude(s) or the dudette(s) responsible for intelligent design. In Council, the kewlest thing since oil in Tulsa, is Chris Medlock. If he did meth, he'd be me. The first item on his platform is the hiring of a professional to serve as City Manager. If he would quit placing his butt-ugly, awkwardly wordy campaign signs illegally on the public rights-of-way, I will hire him as City Manager, aka The Fall Guy.
4. There's a measure of neighborhood livability called the "popsicle test" -- "An eight-year-old in the neighborhood should be able to bike to a store to buy a Popsicle without having to battle highway-size streets and freeway-speed traffic." Most Tulsa neighborhoods don't pass this test, and every trip to the store requires the use of a car. Do you think this is a problem, and if so, what would you propose to do about it?Screw the popsicle test. Keep the bicycle test. What kid these days ever gets a popsicle? Hell, it's Starburst. Son, you need to keep your daily diet of Nick. In the Third Penny Package, Item 34-45 proposes $60,260,000 street widening projects. Street widenings increase traffic congestion. Build it. They will come and come and come. Do we want Tulsa to be nothing more a huge concrete parking lot?
I will hire Kathy Taylor, Miss Corporate Welfare, to shift $60,260,000 to American Airlines-style subsidies for developers who build transit-oriented projects and cooperate with neighborhood associations.
I will nominate Michael Bates, Chairman of the Citizens' Advisory Committee To Make Tulsa Pass The Popsicle Test.
5. Tulsa's homicide rate is twice the national average, and our violent crime rate is 1.83 times the national average. Police investigative units are shorthanded, and the street crimes unit has been disbanded. The suburbs pay their police officers better than Tulsa does. What should the city do to fix this? Where should the city get the money to fix this?Item #5 on the Third Penny Package proposes to buy $18 million worth of police vehicles. Ok, so far so good. Except we only have 800 warm bodies wearing the blue zoot suits. Well, duh. WHAT GOOD ARE ALL THOSE POLICE CRUISERS IF WE DON'T HAVE POLICE OFFICERS TO DRIVE THEM?
We don't need a MIT graduate to do the math on this one. Just me. So, let's improvise a new equation. Forget 'bout police vehicles that costs $50,000 per, plus maintenance, plus gas, ectera ectera, ectera. Let's put warm bodies in blue that costs $40,000 per on $1,500 bicycle per. Do the math. How many bike cops will $15 million buy?
All new police officers coming through the academy should be bike cops, supported by legacy patrol officers stuck in police vehicles, and chopper air support. There's money for two spanking new choppers in the Third Penny for the flyboyz. Deploy them like the civilian version of the Marine Corps command structure. 4-jarhead fire teams.
Contrary to popular opinion of a few arrest-first-ask-questions-later officers, you know who you are, I am actually on the side of people who are stupid enough to put their lives on the line everyday for village idiots like me. Well, most of you guys get my kudos, except for Officer Lorena Bobbit. You know who you are.
On the morning of 15 February 2003, the first day BonerMobile rolled, to speak against the Iraq invasion, Tulsa Police stopped me at 7500 S Lewis, a side street next to the fire station. After getting tackled by a male officer for no reason, except for being dressed in camo, a female officer used a pocket knife to slice Captain Pecker at the base.
If you recall, BonerMobile was the bad-ass version of BATMobile. BonerMobile carried Captain Pecker and a sign: GET A BONER NOT A BOMB.
After the slicing incident by Officer Lorena Bobbit(I don't really know her real name), I was allowed to go on my way. However, I noticed Captain Pecker began to deflate and go limp. It was very embarrassing. So, there was no point of staying on the road with a rapidly deflating Captain Pecker.
When I come across Officer Lorena Bobbit, she is NOT gonna see the light day of normal police work. She's gonna get a shit desk job finding $18 million in the City's budget to put $15 million worth of police officers on $3 million worth of police bicycles.
When I find you, you will be thoroughly dressed down in front of your whole division for popping a man's balloon. Never mess with a man's business, with a knife in your hands. When I find you, Officer Lorena Bobbit, will be up to your ears in bikes, until you find me $15 million for police salaries and $3 million for police bikes, somewhere in the City's General Fund. I don't care if you have to confiscate and auction vehicles out of the Motor Pool and make some poor out-of-shape schlub take the bus.
No if's and but's. I want $15 million for new officer salaries, and $3 million for cop bikes.
6. The Brookside neighborhood infill plan calls for design guidelines to ensure that new residential and commercial development is compatible with existing development, to preserve the character of the neighborhood. Right now, these design guidelines don't have the force of law. Many cities, including Oklahoma City, have special neighborhood conservation districts in which design guidelines become part of the zoning code. Would you support doing this in Tulsa? If not, what would you do to preserve the character of Tulsa's traditional urban neighborhoods while allowing for new development?The zoning code is at the heart of creating the atmosphere of cooperation between developers and neighborhood associations. I would add in the zoning code, not only design guidelines, but, also the requirement the neighborhood associations are granted due process in the preliminary design phase. Let's get everyone sharing big, moist chocolate chip cookies and java before the design even goes to blueprint.
7. Some say that there should be at least one part of Tulsa that is truly urban, where it is possible to live, work, and shop without having to own a car. Do you agree, and if so, what should the city do to help make it happen?Many people in Tulsa already live, work, and shop without cars. I personally don't use the car for every trip I make, especially trips under 3 miles and without loads over 5 kilos of prime Columbian coke. Tulsa is fairly small. It's really no problem to get from one part of town to another without a car. Tulsa Transit offers free bicycle transport. If needed, I clean up with a wet towel in the bathroom. No shower required. I don't use $5,000 bicycles. Just a disposable POS. And, Tulsa Wheelmen, DROP THE SPANDEX ALREADY. You people look really gay.
Item 26 and 51 of the Third Penny Package calls for $1,150,000 Brady Village Implementation Plan and $4,500,000 Trails Development Program, respectively. Bicycle drivers fare best when they are treated and act as legitimate operators of vehicles. No improvements for bikeways routes by segregating bicycles away from Denver and Archer. By both City ordinance and Oklahoma State Statues, bicycles are considered traffic. Separate ain't equal. I consider "BIKE ROUTE" signs akin to "COLORED ONLY" signs. I say NO to additional roadway modifications specifically for bicycles. Pedestrian projects ok.
I would shift the funds to $500,000 for pedestrian and transit-oriented roadway improvements in Brady Village and $500,000 for an Olympic bicycle racing track, velodrome, at Mohawk Park.
To create the atmosphere of acceptability for car-less citizens, the Tulsa Police Department should stand down whenever Santa drives his bike on the Broken Arrow Expressway. First of all, bicycle driving on the Broken Arrow Expressway is legal by both Tulsa Ordinance and Oklahoma State Statute. The use of the minimum speed law has already been litigated in Ohio, Trotwood v. Selz. Second, Santa is probably up to his ears with maxed out credit cards because of Christmas shopping.
8. In 2008, Tulsa will host the National Preservation Conference, the annual meeting of the National Trust for Historic Preservation. Meanwhile, downtown buildings continue to be demolished and paved over for parking. Downtown Tulsa is on Preservation Oklahoma's most endangered list. Does this embarrass you? What should the city do to ensure that there are still some historic buildings around when the preservationists come to town in two years?The key to historic preservation is using the zoning code to make historic preservation profitable for developers to renovate and to cooperate with neighborhood associations and other local citizen groups. And, if that fails, there is really no need to be embarassed when the preservationists come to town. I will impersonate Rodney Dangerfield and simply spin the meeting into a case study into how
NOT to do historic preservation and pocket a small chunk of the hotel/motel tax for the dry cleaning and the cigar.
9. Some have called for adding "sexual orientation" to the list of protected classes in the City of Tulsa's human rights ordinance (Title 5, Chapter 1). Would you support or oppose such a move?I support universal
DIVORCE. No Americans should be deprived of the right to miserable marriages and divorce hell. No Americans should be discriminated simply because they chose to marry a monkey. As long as no one tries to marry a gerbil, I am down with that change.
10. Each year, Tulsa gets a chunk of money from the Federal Government called Community Development Block Grants (CDBG), which it distributes to local non-profits for various projects. In the past, some controversial groups have asked for CDBG funds for non-controversial purposes. Supposing the local chapter of Planned Parenthood, which engages in abortion rights lobbying at the State Capitol and refers clients to abortion providers, sought CDBG funding for their pediatrics clinic. Would you support or oppose such funding, and why?I would support the
RIGHT of any group to compete for funding for pediatrics clinic. Your question unfairly leads the candidates into a pre-determined corner, considering the fact that there is competition for CDBG funds which are awarded based on many other factors that occur in the political process. Yes, I am evading an unfair question.
Who is your choice to be Tulsa's next mayor, and why?Me. Like duh. As if I am actually gonna vote for Kathy Taylor.
The commitment of the Mayor shows in how much money he choses to take home from the official salary of $105,000. As Mayor, I will take home $11.50 per hour, the average salary of an inbound customer consultant at the Thrifty call center. The rest of the Mayor's official salary will be used to fund a non-profit, 501(c) organization to keep the pools open for the kids and to make micro-loans to sober homeless and low-income citizens who wish to start businesses in select enterprise zones in various parts of Tulsa.
The genius of the Mayor shows in how he keeps his friends and enemies and the choices of people he taps to implement his plan. As such, I will offer the following positions to the following esteemed Tulsans:
Chris Medlock-City Manager aka The Fall Guy.
Don McCorkell-Vice Mayor, in charge of overseeing lobbyists and the ethics rules are enforced fairly. I have already chosen an efficient office space for Mr. McCorkell overlooking the City's Animal Shelter on Apache.
Kathy Taylor-Director, Economic Development. Aka Miss Corporate Welfare.
Randi Miller-Mayor's Chief Arbitrator of Development and Neighborhood Associations. Aka Miss Congeniality. Mayor's At-Large Representative to City Council.
Bill LaFortune-Chairman of the Committee to Investigate Great Plains Airlines. Aka Mr. No-Win-Situation.
Michael Bates-Citizens' Advisory Committee To Make Tulsa Pass The Popsicle Test.
Barry Friedman-Press Secretary, Producer of "American Mayor: The Reality TV Show." If successful, all subsequent franchise rights belong to the taxpayers of the City of Tulsa. Not Mr. Friedman. If you so much as think about scamming the taxpayers out the profits from this show, I will personally burn your house down.
David Arnett-Chief of Staff.
Michael DelGiornio: Co-Chief of Staff.
John O'Mara: Chief of Police.
Brigitte Harper: Chairwoman, Citizens' Committee on Hispanic Affairs.
Ben Faulk-Chairman of the Committee To Draft Undocumented Workers Into Military Service on the Iranian Front.
James Alexander-Honorary Mayor of the City of Liberty Tulsa. Tulsa north of the railroad tracks, the 38th Parallel.
Prophet Clark Kelly-Mayor's Personal Minister.
Accountability Burns-Mayor's Personal Advisor and Drinking Buddy. Salary: Whatever Sam Roop, Karen Keith, and Clay Bird combined make.
My Proposition votes: Yes to all except 1. Tulsa needs another lawyer like we need more chicken poop in the water.
So I ever slowly scoot away from behind Kathy, into the crowd, and into the mass of media cameras. Changing from a Kathy supporter to reporter. Penelope Jane tailgates my every move. And, she is thoroughly enjoying the show within the show. But, I wanted to be discreet, knowing people are whispering.
I really wanted a good shot of Savage Sue and finally got it. Here is the REAL Savage Sue, former Mayor of Tulsa. Ain't she GRAND?!!
She notices me clicking at her and says, "So, you want my picture, huh?" I am like jello. She extends her hand out for the stop-the-chinaman-in-his-tracks handshake. I am really blushing, badly. "Uh, ummmmm. duh. huh?" I have not a clue what to do next, except take her soft hand, limply, in mine.
